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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 7663 times)

Ice

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JOTD
« on: August 31, 2013, 12:52:17 AM »
Joke Of the Day.

Let it begin.
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

Buckeroo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2013, 03:48:54 AM »
I agree
This bike was stored for 3.5 years.  It had fallen on its side for awhile. I claimed it about a year and a half ago. Thus the low miles and inexperienced owner.
2008 Bullet Electra Classic 500
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Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2013, 02:35:27 AM »
He he
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

Bulletman

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2013, 08:56:55 AM »
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at
a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 
I asked, 'Do you know him?'
 
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up 20 years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
 
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 
 ... And then the fight started.
"A Blast from my Past"
Mark F   (Northern, CA)
Black C5 2011

Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2013, 09:02:13 AM »
ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

JVS

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2013, 09:06:26 AM »
LOL
Sons continuing wars, our fathers were enemies


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Re: JOTD
« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2013, 11:25:46 PM »
Here

Bulletman

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2013, 05:48:14 AM »
 ;D
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
 
I bought her a scale.
 
 ... And then the fight started.
"A Blast from my Past"
Mark F   (Northern, CA)
Black C5 2011

ridgerunner

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2013, 08:32:11 AM »
Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...a Rolex?...Mink coat? She said a divorce. I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much...and the fight started.
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Buckeroo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2013, 09:59:23 PM »
Along the same lines, my cousin told me that she traded her husband in on a new car.
This bike was stored for 3.5 years.  It had fallen on its side for awhile. I claimed it about a year and a half ago. Thus the low miles and inexperienced owner.
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2013, 04:14:16 AM »
Several years ago Bill told a friend he got a new car for Hilliary.
"Good trade", his friend said.
Jim
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2013, 04:20:06 AM »
A Eskimo, tired of freezing while he was paddling his kayak found the steel lid off of a garbage can.  It gave him an idea so, putting the lid into the bottom of his kayak he tossed in some branches and built a fire in it.

Shoving off into the frigid waters he made it about 50 yards before the vessel burst into flames.  He barely made it back to shore without freezing to death.

The moral of the story?
You can't have your kayak and heat it too. :)
Jim
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Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2013, 04:51:07 AM »
 ;D
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

ROVERMAN

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2013, 04:18:49 PM »
I just have to do this. A fella walks into a local Napa parts store, when the clerk asks if he could help him he Say's "how about a rear view mirror for my 82' Yugo". The clerk thinks for a second and replies "sounds like a fair deal to me". ::) ::) ::).
Name witheld for fear of cheesy joke retribution.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2013, 05:21:28 PM »
A blond girl goes for a walk and comes to a river.  She wants to cross over, but doesn't see any bridge.  On the other bank she spies another blond girl, so she calls out; "Yoohoo!  Yoohoo!  How can I get to the other side of the river?"
The other blond replies; "Honey, you're already on the other side."
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2013, 11:37:18 PM »
somebody just forwarded this one to me; I don't know its source.  But it seems appropriate - it has Guinness in it!  8)

MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC:

Woman: Do you drink Guinness?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $9.00.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a Guinness costs $9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at $810. In one year, it would be approximately $9855 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $9855, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $197,100... correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Guinness, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink Guinness?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #16 on: September 05, 2013, 03:35:12 AM »
I like that one!
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REdmonton

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2013, 03:42:27 AM »
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says the something.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2013, 04:07:16 AM »
I think Congress should declare war on Canada instead of authorizing intervention in Syria.  After all, Syria didn't send Celine Dion and Justin Bieber here.
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ridgerunner

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #19 on: September 06, 2013, 08:14:02 AM »
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)
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D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #20 on: September 06, 2013, 02:27:24 PM »
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)

I don't get it.  :-[
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1975 XLCH

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #21 on: September 06, 2013, 04:01:38 PM »
Make me one with everything....in a spiritual way unite me with the creation of the creator.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #22 on: September 06, 2013, 04:28:02 PM »
Oh.
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #23 on: September 06, 2013, 05:50:42 PM »
[insert crickets chirping sound here]

ROVERMAN

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #24 on: September 06, 2013, 07:11:13 PM »
All right, one more try at dry English humor.
Large building site with it's own cafeteria. A group of several workers love to harass the cook by asking for outlandish foods all time, knowing full well they don't have it.
Said cook had had about enough, so when they came in for lunch he was ready.
 "What can i do for you fellas today" says the cook. Worker says with a sly grin "Ow about an' Elephant's ball's sandwich". The cook ponders this for awhile and replies "Sorry mate were all out of bread!"
 ;D ;D ;D Apologies in advance.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #25 on: September 06, 2013, 07:54:25 PM »
BTW, ridgerunner, I love the Zen master and hotdog salesman one!  One of my favorites - quick, clean and funny (don't pay no attention to that D the D!).  One of my other favorite all-ages jokes, from Prairie Home Companion's joke show:

Q: what did the zero say to the eight?

A: nice belt!


And for D the D, just in case:

Q: What did the 0 say to the 8 ?   ;)

REdmonton

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #26 on: September 06, 2013, 10:58:05 PM »
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)

The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #27 on: September 06, 2013, 11:20:20 PM »
Ha!  Thanks for that!
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #28 on: September 07, 2013, 12:24:44 AM »
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?



A: One, if the light bulb is willing to change.


I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #29 on: September 07, 2013, 12:39:21 AM »
My blonde sister just got two new dogs.  She says she named them Rolex and Timex.
I asked why she didn't give them normal names like Spot and Rover.
She said; "They're WATCH DOGS stupid!'   
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singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #30 on: September 07, 2013, 03:06:41 AM »
One Italian recently returned from his trip to the Garden State of New Jersey. His friends ask him 'How was the trip?' 

He tells them "I went to a bigga hotel and go down to eat soma breakfast.  I tella the waitress I wanna two pss toast. She branga me only one a piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss.  She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."

"Later, I go to eat soma lunch at a restaurant the waitress bringa me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She telssa me everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She says you better not fock on the table. You sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch".

"So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch."

"I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch."

I go bak to Italy !!!
« Last Edit: September 07, 2013, 03:33:42 AM by singhg5 »
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singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #31 on: September 07, 2013, 03:28:02 AM »
Male OR Female ?

Freezer Bags ?
Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Tires ?
Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?
« Last Edit: September 07, 2013, 03:48:29 AM by singhg5 »
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #32 on: September 07, 2013, 03:38:25 AM »
A Chinese man walks into a cafe and sits down at the counter.

The cook says, "What do you want?"

The Chinese man says, "I like some flied lice."

The cook says, "Look.  I'm from Greece and even I know that people in the United States call it fried rice.  Is that what you want?"

The China-man says, "Yes." so the cook makes him some.

The next day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says, "I want flied lice."

The cook says, "It's called FRIED RICE!" and brings him some.

The following day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says,
I want some frrrrried  rrrrice, you Gleek Plick!!"
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #33 on: September 07, 2013, 03:48:43 AM »
I sent this to my niece and her mom who owns a Chinese Rest. (She's from Taiwan).
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2013, 10:35:30 AM »
Anybody wants to guess ?

Depends.  Is it gonna make-a me look bad, or my wife?

ridgerunner

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2013, 06:21:08 AM »
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Like it! ;D
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2013, 11:06:55 AM »
Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?

All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #37 on: September 09, 2013, 10:49:24 PM »
A man setting in the club house at the local golf club was drinking his 5th beer when a friend walked up.

"You look totally beat!" the friend said.

"I am.

 Charlie Snider and I went out to shoot a full 18 holes this morning.
Everything was going fine and by the time we got to the 7th green I was a shot ahead of him.

Then, as he was putting out, he had a massive heart attack.

The rest of the day was absolutely horrible.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie...."
« Last Edit: September 09, 2013, 10:51:54 PM by Arizoni »
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #38 on: September 10, 2013, 12:30:36 AM »
 An Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing by his staff. While waiting for the coffee maker to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" The S-3 Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work. The S-2 Captain said it was 50-50%.    A lieutenant from the S-4 shop responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the SPC in charge of making the coffee and asked what was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young SPC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was a bit surprised and asked why.

 The SPC said "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

"TIMEX", the '06 Iron Barrel Military that takes me everywhere I want to go... and some places I shouldn't.

singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #39 on: September 10, 2013, 03:15:20 AM »
All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...

Photocopier:
is a FEMALE because once turned OFF, it takes a while to warm them UP  ;D !
1970's Jawa /  Yezdi
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jdrouin

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2013, 06:10:20 PM »
This one was told to me nearly 20 years ago by the father of one of my five-year-old swim students, in front of a class of five-year-olds.

A woman walks into a bar and hangs her coat high upon a peg, revealing a very hairy armpit. She sits down at one end of the bar, and a drunk man at the other end says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of bar a drink, on me."

The bartender completes the task, and the woman raises her glass in thanks to the man.

Some time later, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me." The bartender scratches his head a moment, but completes the request. The woman again raises her glass in thanks to the man.

When she finishes, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me."

This time the bartender says, "Look, I don't mind fulfilling your request, but what on earth makes you so sure she's a ballerina?"

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
« Last Edit: September 10, 2013, 06:13:21 PM by jdrouin »

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2013, 11:47:32 PM »
Two men found themselves in Cairo without transportation.
As they walked down the street a man from a Used Camel lot walked out to say,
"I see you are without a ride.  I have just the camel for you and the price is very reasonable."

The men told the man they had never even seen a camel up close so they wouldn't know how to ride it.

The salesman said,
 "You need to know nothing to ride this camel.  He is trained to watch the street lights and to do as they say.  It is all very easy."

The two men talked for a while and decided to buy the camel.  Following the purchase they climbed up on it and away they went.

Half an hour later they both walked back into the camel dealers lot.  The dealer was greatly surprised to see them and asked,
 "Why have you returned and where is the camel?"

One of the men said,
 "We were doing great.  When the lights were green the camel walked thru the intersection.  When the lights were red, the camel would stop.

Then, while we were waiting for a red light to change we heard someone on the sidewalk say, 'Look at those two ass holes on that camel.' 

We both got off to look and the light changed to green and that's the last we saw of it." 
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2013, 11:57:20 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are."

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #43 on: September 11, 2013, 10:47:46 PM »
God was busy working in the kitchen when Mother Teresa walked in.

As he continued to mix up some tuna salad, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw that they were all eating Fillet Mignon and lobster.

"God", she asked.  "Why are the people down in hell eating Fillet Mignon and lobster while we are only having tuna salad sandwiches?"

God answered, "Well, with only the two of us here I didn't see any reason to dirty up a bunch of dishes."
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #44 on: September 12, 2013, 09:45:32 AM »
FULL BODY SCANS AT  AIRPORTS:

December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA:

Terrorists Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 59,350
Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls...

WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #45 on: September 13, 2013, 08:39:30 PM »
Darned if I can see it...

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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #46 on: September 13, 2013, 08:43:23 PM »
Can't see the forest for the trees, huh?
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #47 on: September 13, 2013, 08:44:31 PM »
Yeah, I was going to have a wet dream last night, but I fell asleep first!
Bare
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Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #48 on: September 14, 2013, 12:46:18 AM »
I need glasses  :o  ;D  ;)
« Last Edit: September 14, 2013, 12:54:16 AM by Ice »
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

REA #136

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GreenMachine

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #49 on: September 14, 2013, 01:22:40 AM »
The forest has some bodacious trees..u guys r blind.
Oh Magoo you done it again

Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #50 on: September 14, 2013, 02:14:38 AM »
The forest has some bodacious trees..u guys r blind.

 We know.
 ;D
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

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TWinOKC

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #51 on: September 17, 2013, 02:16:34 AM »
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'
 
Don’t be a prude, this is darn funny!
 
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

 
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Tiny Tim

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #52 on: September 17, 2013, 03:00:13 PM »
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One up the ladder and a dozen or so below all mumbling "You know, that could have been me up there"
REgards

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WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #53 on: September 17, 2013, 05:14:23 PM »
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #54 on: September 19, 2013, 03:05:13 AM »
I was in a London pub on a Saturday night. Had a few pints! I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?


One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's Wales, you IDIOT!"


So, I immediately apologized, and said,  "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember!!!   
« Last Edit: March 27, 2014, 01:20:26 AM by Darkside »
NON TIMEBO MALA.

Buckeroo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #55 on: September 21, 2013, 02:12:13 AM »
It's behind the two little white hills.
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #56 on: September 21, 2013, 04:33:55 AM »
A caterpillar was making his way across a large field when suddenly a large bird swooped down from the sky and swallowed him whole.

The caterpillar was determined not to become digested so he worked with all of his might in the direction that the stuff around him seemed to be moving.

After a great deal of work he suddenly found his head sticking out the rear of the bird.

He looked about and realized they were flying.
Far below him he could see the large trees,  the cows in the fields, the farmers tractor, the barn and the and the farmhouse.  They all looked like tiny toys.

Bending around to look forward the caterpillar shouted to the bird, "How high are we?"

The bird glanced back and yelled, "We're about 15,000 feet high and going over 50 miles an hour."

The caterpillar shouted back, "You wouldn't be shitting me would you?"
« Last Edit: September 21, 2013, 04:36:32 AM by Arizoni »
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #57 on: September 21, 2013, 09:45:59 AM »
grrr...

TWinOKC

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #58 on: September 22, 2013, 03:15:07 AM »
 A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies
without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling
along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several
yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.  But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and
a dull grey dress.  There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear. ''Well, cowboy,'' says the genie,
''You know how I work ... You have three wishes.''

''I'm not falling for this,'' said the cowboy,

''I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.''

''What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!''

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

''OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.''

***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'' 

''My second wish is that I was rich .... beyond my wildest dreams.''


** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

''OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!''

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, ''I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.''

***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached...
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #59 on: September 22, 2013, 07:10:36 AM »
A young Lieutenant was assigned to a Legion post in the Sahara desert.

After stowing his gear and meeting with the brass he asked his Sergeant, "What do the men do to relieve their sexual urges out here?"

The Sergeant answers, "They use the camel, Sir."

The Lieutenant thanks the Sergeant and thinks to himself, "My God!  There is no way I could lower myself to doing something like that!"

Months pass and the Lieutenant can't take it any longer so he calls the Sergeant into his off ice and says, "I asked you before about what the men did to relieve their sexual urges and you mentioned that they use the camel.  Where can I find it?"

The Sergeant reply's, "She is in the camel shed at the South end of the fort, Sir."
The Lieutenant again thanks him and heads out the door turning to the South.

A short time later, hearing a great commotion the Sergeant looks into the camel shed.  Seeing his Lieutenant doing the unspeakable he says, "Sir?  The men just ride her to town." 
Jim
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #60 on: September 23, 2013, 11:06:16 PM »
A man wearing tattered cloths walked up the driveway of a fancy large house and spotted a man sitting on the front porch.

"Got any work that needs doing around here?" he asked.

The homeowner on the porch thought for a moment and said,
 "If your handy with a paint brush, the porch around back needs painting.
 I bought all of the paint and the brushes a few days ago but I just haven't gotten around to doing the work.
I'll pay you $50 to paint it if you do a good job."

The tattered man said, "You got yourself a deal mister" and walked around to the back of the house.

20 minutes later the man was back at the front porch saying, "It's all done!"

The homeowner said, "Your done already?  I thought that job would take at least 5 hours!"

The tattered man said, "Nope.  You was wrong about the amount of time it would take and you was wrong about the car too.  That weren't no Porsche, it was a Mercedes."
Jim
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DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #61 on: September 26, 2013, 03:31:16 AM »
The following is not a question given on a University  chemistry midterm, and an answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
« Last Edit: September 27, 2013, 10:53:36 PM by DanB »
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #62 on: September 26, 2013, 11:52:00 PM »
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'  The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....




'Your house'

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #63 on: September 26, 2013, 11:56:49 PM »
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

I don't know who made snopes the decider, but... sorry:

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp   :(

DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #64 on: September 27, 2013, 12:22:12 AM »
Didn't even think of that. Just thought it was funny.
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #65 on: September 27, 2013, 04:51:00 AM »
Being a Arizona State University graduate, I knew it was just a made up joke. 
The University of Arizona doesn't have anyone that smart down there.  ;D
Jim
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #66 on: September 27, 2013, 05:06:24 AM »
A woman walks into a Pet Store and asks the clerk if he has anything unusual for sale.

The clerk says, "Yes mam" and walks over to a stout cage.
He slowly opens the cage and inside is a small fuzzy very powerfully built little animal.  "This is an Australian Furry."

"My, it's cute.  What does it do?" asked the woman.

The clerk tosses a small rubber ball into the cage and says, "Furry, Ball!"
Like a streak the animal is on the ball with jaws biting, gnashing and ripping off pieces of the ball. In no time at all, the ball is nothing but small fragments spread all over the floor of the cage.

The woman says, "I'll take it.  I don't care what the price is, I must have that Furry."

The clerk is a surprised voice asks, "Just what do you intend to do with it?"

The woman answers,
 "I'm going to put it in the hall closet tonight.
When my worthless husband comes home from the bar and opens the closet he's bound to notice it and he will ask, "What the hell is this?"

I'll answer, "It's a furry dear." and he'll say, "Furry my ass!"
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
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redcat

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #67 on: September 29, 2013, 11:59:59 AM »
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
Watch out for the guy behind the guy in front of you

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #68 on: September 29, 2013, 12:12:48 PM »
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
I love it!
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #69 on: September 29, 2013, 02:12:27 PM »
Three Kinds

 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
 The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
 'Onions?'
 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
 This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
 The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
 'A Christmas tree?'
 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
  ;D
NON TIMEBO MALA.

Buckeroo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #70 on: October 01, 2013, 05:07:48 PM »
" the balls are just for decoration.'
I might as well get out the paint, then.
This bike was stored for 3.5 years.  It had fallen on its side for awhile. I claimed it about a year and a half ago. Thus the low miles and inexperienced owner.
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #71 on: October 01, 2013, 06:01:06 PM »
As for Snopes, it has lost all it's credibility since the liberals took over.
Bare
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #72 on: October 01, 2013, 10:23:09 PM »
Don't believe everything you read on the internet, Bare!  ;)

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #73 on: October 02, 2013, 12:19:47 AM »
While riding on a train thru New Mexico, two business men were discussing the American Indian and his gift for having a long memory.
When the train stopped at a small station the men got off and noticed a Navajo Indian sitting beside the station doorway.

One of the men walked up to the Indian and said, "Hey Chief.  What did you have for breakfast eight months ago on December 12th?"

The Navajo looked up and said, "Eggs."

As the man asked, "How were they cooked?", the train whistle blew so the men hurried back and climbed aboard.

A year passed and the same two men once again were on the train as it stopped at the small station.

Getting off, they noticed the same Navajo sitting beside the station door.
One of the men said, "I wonder if he remembers when we were here a year ago?"

With that, he walked up to the Indian and said, "Remember us?"

Without looking up the Navajo said, "Scrambled." 
Jim
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D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #74 on: October 02, 2013, 04:44:24 AM »
New day (barely); new joke:
A blond police officer sees a blond woman speeding and pulls her over.
The blond officer asks the blond driver to show her driver's license and registration.  The blond driver keeps digging around in her huge bag, getting more and more flustered as the blond officer waits.
The blond driver asks; "What does a driver's license look like?"
The blond officer says; "It's rectangular and flat and has your picture on it."
The blond driver pulls out a small mirror, looks at herself in it, and then hands it to the blond officer.
The blond officer looks in the mirror and says; "I'm sorry.  I didn't know you're a cop too!"
'07 Iron Barrel Military (Deceased 14 September, 2013)
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #75 on: October 04, 2013, 04:51:51 PM »
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down. :D
NON TIMEBO MALA.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #76 on: October 04, 2013, 04:55:57 PM »
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
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GreenMachine

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #77 on: October 04, 2013, 05:26:54 PM »
Haaaaaaaaaaaa...Reminds me of Daryl Hannah..
Oh Magoo you done it again

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #78 on: October 05, 2013, 12:59:00 AM »
D&D and Green machine, Glad you enjoyed it thought it was priceless first time I heard it. Think this is the best Non Bike thread enjoy the heck out of it.  :)
NON TIMEBO MALA.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #79 on: October 05, 2013, 09:37:46 PM »
Leaving politics aside...

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
 
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10...  where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."                           
 
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." 
   
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #80 on: October 05, 2013, 10:58:40 PM »
LOL    ::)
Scottie J
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #81 on: October 06, 2013, 05:01:35 AM »
And, with cold weather coming:

A man walks out onto a frozen lake to do some ice fishing.
He spots a young kid and decides that looks as good as anywhere to cut his hole so he walks over and saws a hole thru the ice.

During the next half hour he doesn't get even a nibble on his line but the kid next to him is repeatedly pulling a newly caught fish out of his hole.

The man can't stand it any longer so he asks the kid what his secret is.
The kid says, "MUPRUSHHEEHM".

The man says, "I didn't understand what you said.  Could you repeat it for me?"

Again the kid says, ""MUPRUSHHEEHM".

Again the man says, "I couldn't under stand a word you said.  Would you mind telling me your secret once again?"

With that, the kid spit out a large gooey ball into his hand and said, "You got to keep your worms warm."
Jim
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #82 on: October 11, 2013, 10:42:28 PM »
EXERCISE FOR OLD-TIMERS (you know who you are!!!)



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level  ;) ).




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

cyrusb

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #83 on: October 11, 2013, 10:46:49 PM »
Make up sex......It's worth fighting for....

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #84 on: October 12, 2013, 12:54:39 AM »
A young man visiting Egypt was without transportation when he spied a Used Camel Lot.

He walked in to find the typical salesman who instantly recognized a source of income when he saw one.

"Come right over here", the salesman said.  "This camel is an excellent buy.
He is young and has many years of life ahead of him.
He has no ticks or diseases.  A fine specimen in perfect health.
He can go for days without water, he eats very little and as a bonus, he knows every water hole in all of Egypt.  Riding this camel you'll never go thirsty.
  The price is very reasonable for a valuable animal like this and you can't go wrong if you buy him."

Convinced by the salesman's pitch, the young man bought the camel and rode off down the road in the blistering heat of the summer day.

Several miles out of town, the camel suddenly jerked several times, came to a complete stop.  It proceeded to fall down on its side and nothing the young man tried could get it to move.
Disgusted, the man walked back to the camel dealers lot and told him about the camels condition.
The salesman said, "Never fear! I know just what the problem is and I can fix it in an instant.  Just get up here on my camel and we'll ride out to your camel.

Arriving at the young mans camel, it was obvious it hadn't moved an inch.
The salesman got down from his camel and walked over to the downed beast.
Drawing his foot back he then kicked the camel right in the center of its stomach.

With that the camel produced a fart loud enough to shake the ground and a small dust storm swirled  from his rear.
Before the dust had settled, the camel jumped to his feet, ready to go.

The young man asked, "What was the problem?"

The salesman answered, "Vapor lock."
Jim
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D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #85 on: October 12, 2013, 01:11:47 AM »
Can I have the last 15 seconds of my back?
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #86 on: October 12, 2013, 08:57:15 AM »
No, it's gone forever!

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #87 on: October 12, 2013, 07:06:44 PM »
Today is NOT the worst day of your life...It's just the worst so far!
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #88 on: November 07, 2013, 07:17:10 PM »
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem.

The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #89 on: November 21, 2013, 04:22:00 AM »
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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TWinOKC

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #90 on: November 25, 2013, 03:45:14 AM »
 
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #91 on: November 26, 2013, 05:12:11 PM »
true story...
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #92 on: November 26, 2013, 06:36:20 PM »
Whadya expect fer a A&M guy?
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #93 on: November 26, 2013, 06:44:45 PM »
My buddy sent me these today...


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
 
***********
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 
***********
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose  patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,  "Yesterday."
 
 
***********
 
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 
 
***********
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #94 on: November 26, 2013, 07:03:48 PM »
hahahaha!  Made my day.  Thank you!
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #95 on: November 27, 2013, 05:35:50 PM »
My sex life is a lot like fishing.  Sometimes I just cast out my worm, wiggle it around and hope for a bite.   ;D
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #96 on: December 05, 2013, 04:24:27 PM »
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a political statement. Just thought it might make someone laugh. I did.  ;D

An Indian walks into a  cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the  other.  He says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He  gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... 
The Indian drinks the  coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the  shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then  just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He  has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with  the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your  mess from yesterday.  What was all that about,  anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 



"Training for position in  United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,  leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of  day."


NON TIMEBO MALA.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #97 on: December 05, 2013, 04:27:51 PM »
PI, but I laughed.  ;D
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #98 on: December 05, 2013, 10:00:33 PM »
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

Jim
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #99 on: December 05, 2013, 10:12:18 PM »
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

So let me get this straight. The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged poodle named Fifi. Couldn't the Marine see this here dog was just no average bitch, but a older more refined high class one. The dog will be easy to identify though, being so well dressed and all.  ;D
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #100 on: December 05, 2013, 10:25:22 PM »
Arizoni,  ;)  ;D  8)
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #101 on: December 07, 2013, 09:06:32 PM »
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the young women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."  ;D
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singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #102 on: December 17, 2013, 04:25:14 AM »
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the few hair he had left on his balding head.

Thrilled with the ride, he pushed the pedal even more. Then he saw a state trooper's flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He floored the pedal to 100 mph, then 110 mph, then 120 mph. Suddenly he thought to himself 'I am too old for this' and pulled over to wait for the trooper to arrive.

The cop pulled behind him in a few seconds, got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never heard before - I will let you go".

The old gentleman paused and then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back".

"Have a good day Sir", as trooper drove off in his car.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2013, 05:18:49 AM by singhg5 »
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #103 on: December 18, 2013, 04:10:54 AM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #104 on: December 18, 2013, 01:00:53 PM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

LMAO  I like that one.  :D
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WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #105 on: December 18, 2013, 05:32:57 PM »
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #106 on: December 18, 2013, 08:46:58 PM »
      Two cannibals have just sat down to dinner after spending most of the day cooking a clown they've captured.

       One cannibal turns to the other after a few bites & asks "Does this taste funny to you"?
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #107 on: December 18, 2013, 08:51:11 PM »
      A ducks walks into a drugstore & asks the clerk for a bright red lipstick.

      "Cash"?

       "No. Just put it on my bill".
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #108 on: December 18, 2013, 09:03:40 PM »
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?
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mplayle

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #109 on: December 19, 2013, 02:30:17 AM »
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?

No joke, just the "Village People".

 :o

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #110 on: December 19, 2013, 04:35:57 PM »
Back to the camels...

A seasoned caravan driver wants to buy a camel, can't afford a new one, so he looks for something in a used dromedary.
The salesman is glad for some business, so he shows the man a good healthy one, but kindly adds the caveat " This camel is much like a horse. You can lead him to water, but you can't make him drink."
The caravaner says "Untrue at best, and I'd be happy to disprove your theory."
The salesman, chuckling, says "Go for it."
The caravaner immediately brings the camel to a well, and when it refuses to drink he pulls two plate-sized, very flat rocks out of his robe. After pushing the camel's nose near the water he stands behind it and quickly smashes the camel's balls between the two rocks, forcing the camel to inhale suddenly and suck up the water!
The salesman is amazed and says "Damn! That's gotta hurt like hell!"
And the caravaner says "Not really. Just keep your thumbs out of the way."
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #111 on: December 19, 2013, 10:42:22 PM »
A few days later, deep into the Sahara the camel was showing sighs of dehidration so after arriving at a water hole the caravaner tried to get his camel to drink.  The camel would have none of it.

Lacking any flat rocks the caravaner told his helper, "You grab his head and hold his nose under the water and I'll pump some into him."

With the helper holding the camels nose as asked the caravaner grabbed its tail and started pumping it up and down.
After a few pumps the greatly upset camel promptly crapped on him causing him to yell, "PULL UP HIS HEAD!  HE'S SUCKING MUD!"
Jim
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #112 on: December 23, 2013, 05:05:43 PM »
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… I suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my Ipod… and how was your day?

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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #113 on: December 24, 2013, 10:38:17 PM »
 :o
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #114 on: December 26, 2013, 03:03:52 PM »
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

 ;D Oh and Merry Christmas everyone.
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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #115 on: December 26, 2013, 07:13:28 PM »
Ah, the musings and poetry of James Haddow!  ;D
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #116 on: December 28, 2013, 10:24:28 PM »
For those of us thinking about having a mid life crisis.  :o

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #117 on: December 28, 2013, 11:11:53 PM »
when i asked the blond receptionist at work her idea of safe sex,she replied without blinking "a padded headboard" :o
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #118 on: January 04, 2014, 05:24:25 AM »
I just found out about the Massachusetts crow problem, you folks up there have my sympathy!
It seems like there have been a lot of crows killed on the highways lately. Upon investigation using paint samples and accident reports the MTA has determined that 98% of them have been hit by trucks. Further research has shown that while the crows are on the road eating the carrion they always post a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of danger.The MTA has done a lengthy study and believe they are on to something. They have discovered that virtually every crow can say "cah!' but they haven't found a single one that can say "truck!".  ;)
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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #119 on: January 04, 2014, 01:44:43 PM »
Ouch!
 ::)
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #120 on: January 04, 2014, 05:26:42 PM »
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.
 
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #121 on: January 05, 2014, 05:31:55 PM »
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
 “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
 “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
 “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
 “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
 “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
 “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #122 on: January 06, 2014, 02:26:45 AM »
 ;D
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #123 on: January 06, 2014, 08:00:21 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #124 on: January 08, 2014, 05:28:57 PM »
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip_ _ _t!"  :'(
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #125 on: January 16, 2014, 05:34:50 PM »
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had. Johnny replied,

'This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass....

it'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #126 on: January 18, 2014, 03:20:32 PM »
 ;D :)   ::)
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High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #127 on: January 18, 2014, 03:47:56 PM »
A Fisherman's Joke

A bass is swimming around the lake enjoying a beautiful day when he swims over to his bluegill friend and says "Man.  I have a great life.  I've lived in this lake for 10 years and can do whatever I want.  I am KING of this lake!  Life is good!  So how are you doing?"  The bluegill responds "Well, you know, life is good.  I can't complain.  But you see that guy over there?  You keep eating all of his kids.  His life is kind of crappie."   

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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #128 on: January 18, 2014, 04:12:59 PM »
Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my god! You slut!
How many is a Brazilian?"   :o
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gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #129 on: January 18, 2014, 10:35:53 PM »
3 women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were convicted of murder in the "27th degree".

The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.

The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2...3!!!"

"FIRE!!!" the good ol blonde screamed...
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The_Rigger

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #130 on: January 19, 2014, 02:21:06 AM »
Oy...
« Last Edit: January 19, 2014, 02:26:35 AM by The_Rigger »
-Dave
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #131 on: January 19, 2014, 04:47:55 AM »
A Sioux Indian boy was tired of the other Indian boys laughing and taunting him. He was very dejected.

Finally, he worked up enough courage to ask his parents a question that had long been on his mind so he went to his Fathers Tee Pee and said, "Father?  I need to ask a question."

His father replied, "Yes, my son.  What is your question?"

"Father?  Is it true?  Are Indian children named after the first thing the mother sees or hears after they are born, like Rising Sun and Great Thunder?"

The father answers, "Yes, Two Dogs Humping.  Why do you ask?"
Jim
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gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #132 on: January 22, 2014, 05:32:36 AM »
two dogs humping grew up to be the best hunter,meanest warrior ,and most handsome man in the tribe...and so it was deemed that he marry the prettiest lady ...a month before the wedding two dogs humping went to the chief medicine man and confessed that even though he was brave and strong he knew nothing about love and sex...the medicine man took himout in the forest and found a tree with a knothole at the correct level and he showed two dogs how to practice for the special night...he said you go into the woods each day and find a good knothole to practice on...well the day of the wedding all was beautiful and as was the custom the elders surrounded the wedding hut as tha pair entered...a few minutes later there was a terrible scream,continuous for few minutes...the medicine man entered and found the poor lady bleeding and two dogs standing above her with a bloody sick...what are you doing asked the medicine man????..two dogs just grinned and said"me checkum for bees"....
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GreenForce82

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #133 on: January 23, 2014, 05:37:54 AM »
fricken winter

I haven't seen this much blowing and drifting since they built that whorehouse next to the racetrack...






and...




Did you hear that many major cites will start random drug testing on some of their cities most travelled roads?





Cuzza all the POT HOLES!




Wakka Wakka Wakka!!!
« Last Edit: January 23, 2014, 05:40:32 AM by GreenForce82 »
"Counted his friends in burned-out spark plugs
and prays that he always will.

But he's the last of the blue blood greaser boys all of his mates are doing time:

Married with three kids up by the ring road
sold their souls straight down the line.

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #134 on: February 15, 2014, 11:47:06 PM »
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
 The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"   ::) :o
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #135 on: February 16, 2014, 02:56:21 AM »
Got this in an email - stolen from who knows where...

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
 
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #136 on: February 16, 2014, 01:29:30 PM »
Man, I hope there aren't any dumb blondes in this forum...

A blonde is racing her Mustang down the pike when she's stopped by a blonde police officer who asks to see her license.
The racing blonde says" It's right there on the back of the car."
The blonde officer explains that the license is most likely in her hand bag and about the size of her compact.
The blonde in the car digs around and hands the officer the compact.
The officer opens it up, looks at the mirror, and says " Oh! If I knew you were an officer I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #137 on: February 20, 2014, 01:44:23 AM »
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.  :o
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DonK

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #138 on: February 24, 2014, 03:18:49 PM »
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #139 on: March 21, 2014, 01:51:00 PM »
I like that one!

This thread has been quiet too long:


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of The Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #140 on: March 21, 2014, 03:17:25 PM »
This was forwarded to me... thought it worthy of a Friday:

You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads.
This one gets First prize...



I e-mailed this to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back:
If light stay on for more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
(This make me raugh out roud)
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #141 on: April 22, 2014, 10:32:23 AM »
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesys
(gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,
the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers,
my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was
surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

 

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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #142 on: April 22, 2014, 08:31:04 PM »
Great Truths

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man
    is a shame, two is a law firm,
    and three or more is a congress.
    -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper
    you are uninformed, if you do
    read the newspaper you are
    misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
    suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But then I repeat
    myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
    tax itself into prosperity is like a
    man standing in a bucket and
    trying to lift himself up by the
    handle. --Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to
    pay Paul can always depend on
    the support of Paul. -- George
    Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
    great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off
    with your money. -- G. Gordon
    Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something
    more than two wolves and a sheep
    voting on what to have for
    dinner. --James Bovard , Civil
    Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
    transfer of money from poor
    people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries.
    -- Douglas Case ,
    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to
    government is like giving whiskey
    and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction,
      through which everybody
      endeavors to live at the expense
      of everybody else. -- Frederic
      Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the
      economy could be summed up
      in a few short phrases: If it
      moves, tax it.  If it keeps
      moving, regulate it. And if it
      stops moving, subsidize it.
      --Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
      the government and report the
      facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is
      expensive now, wait until you
      see what it costs when it's free!
      -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government
      consists of taking as much
      money as possible from one
      party of the citizens to give to
      the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an
      interest in politics doesn't mean
      politics won't take an interest
      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or
      property is safe while the
      legislature is in session.
      -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when
      Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's
      alimentary canal, with a happy
      appetite at one end and no
      responsibility at the other.
      -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
      the unequal sharing of the
      blessings. The inherent blessing
      of socialism is the equal sharing
      of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a
      tax man and a taxidermist is that
              the taxidermist leaves the skin.
                -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding
      men from the effects of folly is
      to fill the world with fools.
      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native
      American criminal class, save
      Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are
      more unemployed politicians
      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give
      you everything you want, is
      strong enough to take everything
      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and
      appoint the great ones to public
     office. -- Aesop
 
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
    prosperity, by legislating the
    wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without
    working for, another person must
    work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to
    anybody anything that the
    government does not first take
    from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
    dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the
    idea that they do not have to
    work, because the other half is
    going to take care of them, and
    when the other half gets the idea
    that it does no good to work
    because somebody else is going to
    get what they work for, that is the
    beginning of the end of any nation!
 
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yoda_jackson

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #143 on: April 24, 2014, 04:07:20 PM »
+1 ;D

Guaire

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #144 on: April 28, 2014, 02:21:38 AM »
Outstanding.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #145 on: May 12, 2014, 11:49:42 PM »
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #146 on: May 17, 2014, 12:37:29 AM »
OUCH!  :o
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #147 on: June 12, 2014, 04:54:29 PM »
"Arlo & Janis" is my mostest favoritist cartoon - I found one, from waaaay back in 1994, that certainly applies to many of us here!

I tried to get Jimmy Johnson's permission to post it here, but never heard from him.  I'm going to do it anyway, knowing that it was originally printed in a public newspaper and I got it from a public archive.

The setup to this one is: family goes to beach; Son meets up with last year's crush, who has "matured" and now has an older boyfriend; Dad tries to cheer up son by renting jetskis...



I guess it's not really a joke at all, is it?  ;D

Check out "Arlo & Janis" at Gocomics (http://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis), and check out Jimmy Johnson's site, where he posts old comics and comments (http://arloandjanis.com/)

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #148 on: June 16, 2014, 10:20:46 PM »
True story today......

Wife - "Do you think they have liquor stores in Heaven?"
Me - "Of course.  They're called Jesus Wine and Spirits."    ;D
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gizzo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #149 on: June 23, 2014, 05:27:11 AM »
A woman visits the cosmetic surgeon to talk about a breast enlargement. After going through all the details, she is advised of the cost of the procedure.
"oh dear, that's more expensive than I imagined. I don't think I can afford that"
She says.
The doctor replies "well you could try another method. Try wiping them each day with toilet paper"
She asked in surprise "how does that work"
"No-one knows," replied the doctor, "but it worked on your arse".
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #150 on: June 25, 2014, 01:48:55 PM »
A blonde gets a good job and buys herself a new car.  On the first day she drives it to work, the engine starts to stumble and backfire.  She heads to the dealership where she bought it, stomps through the front door and shouts at the salesman "I paid a lot of money for this new car but it runs like junk, so FIX IT!"
The salesman calms her down, gives her a cup of coffee and sends a mechanic out to see to the car.  He lifts the hood, does some things with a few tools and a rag, closes the hood and comes into the showroom, saying "OK, it's fixed now."
They all go outside, there it sits, purring smoothly.  The girl  says "I paid a lot for this but it was running awful.  What's up with that?"
The mechanic says "Not much, just crap in the fuel system."
The blonde says "How often do I need to do that?"
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #151 on: June 25, 2014, 11:52:25 PM »
During WW II in Europe a soldier named Bill had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A fragment from a hand grenade hit him in his left eye.

Bill was rapidly transported back to the field hospital but they couldn't do much to help him so he lost it.

He was very self conscious about his missing eye,  wore an eye patch and would never look anyone directly in the face.

A friend was a skilled wood worker and thought he'd help the situation by carving an artificial eye for the guy.
It worked and looked pretty good but the soldier was still very self conscious about it.

After capturing a large French town, the town decided to put on a dance and all of the soldiers were invited.
Bill didn't want to go but his friends talked him into it.

At the dance, Bill sit in a dark corner of the room but after looking around he noticed a girl sitting across the room, also in a dark corner.  As he studied her, he noticed she was also a victim of the war and was wearing a wooden leg.
This got him thinking.  "We have something in common.  Maybe if I ask her to dance the two of us can become good friends."

With that in mind, he walked across the room and asked, "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I?  Would I?" she said.  to which he replied,

Peg leg!  Peg leg!
Jim
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #152 on: June 28, 2014, 05:28:10 PM »
I read this awhile ago in an aviation magazine; it may have appeared here before this.  It's supposed to be a true story, but maybe not...

The people who man the control tower at the airport in Munich had a reputation for being a bit less than helpful, often making things difficult for pilots unfamiliar with the airport layout.  A British Airways Boeing 707 landed there; at the end of his rollout he was cleared to a gate but with little guidance from ground control.  He stopped at the end of the runway to consult the map of the airport taxiways.  Tower came on and said "British Airways, clear the runway".
The pilot replied he was consulting a map for the route.
Tower came back "British Airways, not been to Munich previously?"
The pilot answered, "yes, I was here twice in 1944, but it was dark and we didn't stop."
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #153 on: July 28, 2014, 07:29:15 PM »
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.   She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!  She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
 
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
Adam replied, "Ah.  So... what can I get for a rib?"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #154 on: August 11, 2014, 03:49:23 AM »
Several hours after eating some of his favorite Ham Hock & Navy Bean soup Fred felt the old familiar rumbling. Sure enough, nature was working again so he let fly.
Much to his amazement it didn't sound at all normal.
In fact, it sounded like his rear said, "Honda".

He went in to the living room where his wife was watching TV and sit next to her.
Again, the rumbling started and he let fly.
"Honda".

"What about a Honda?" his wife asked. He didn't answer, but a few minutes later, once again..."Honda" sounded out loud and clear.

His wife said, "I don't know why you keep talking about Japanese cars but something in here stinks."

After thinking about his new sound he became rather worried so first thing the next morning he went to his Doctor.

After describing what was happening, his Doctor said, "I'm afraid I can't help you. You need to go to Doctor Wan Lee. He knows about these things."

Fred bee-lined it over to Dr. Lee's office.
After filling out the paperwork he was told to go back to see the Doctor.

Just as he was walking into the office, the rumbling began again and before he could speak his rear once again said, "Honda".

Dr Lee looked up and said, "You need to see a Dentist for your abscessed tooth!"

Fred said, "What are you talking about? I came to see you because of my strange sounding flatulence, not my mouth."

The Doctor looked at him and said,
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."
Jim
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #155 on: August 11, 2014, 10:48:34 AM »
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."


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Re: JOTD
« Reply #156 on: September 06, 2014, 03:20:52 PM »
Sorry if this one has been posted before.  In two parts; for some reason, it won't let me post the whole thing...



Subject: Technical Support
To: Technical Support
Subject: Software Problems

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to  run some of my other favorite  applications. I am  thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Joe

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #157 on: September 06, 2014, 03:22:33 PM »
Part Two:



Subject: Technical Support

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #158 on: September 06, 2014, 11:08:57 PM »
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks, "Whats the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.  It frightens me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that."
"When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room of calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the Doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."  ::)
Jim
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #159 on: September 12, 2014, 01:42:04 PM »
Two tribes in New Guinea were in an ongoing war over which tribe were the rulers of the island they shared.  The symbol of supremacy was a gold-laden throne on which the emperor sat because doing so made him or her the Emperor Over All - whoever possessed the throne was therefore the ruling tribe. After successfully recapturing the throne after numerous exchanges in battles lost and won it was decided that hiding it when the government wasn't in session might be the best way to keep it from being taken by the other tribe.  A system of ropes and pulleys was designed that lifted the throne out of sight into a space above the throne room, in the largest hut in the village.  But the throne was heavy and the hut was made of small branches and grass so the first time the throne was lifted into its place of safe-keeping, the hut collapsed and killed the tribal leaders.
The moral:  "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones".
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #160 on: September 14, 2014, 12:13:09 AM »
Angus MacTavish returned from the wars -- His Lass came down from the highlands to meet him at the train station-- "Aye Angus it 's so guid ta see ya" --Aye Lass, tis bin a wile -- "Angus, I came ta walk wee ya back up ta the heighlands." -- As they proceeded upon their journey his Lass said " Angus, I were hoping that we might stop in one of the glens along the way and make love the way we usta" -- " Aye Lass, that would be most fine"  So they stopped in the glen and proceeded with their love makin.-- Angus looked down at his Lass and her head was bobbin on the ground, just a bobbin up and down.  "Lass, ha ya contracted some sort of an ailment while I been away? -- " Ah nay Angus, but in your moment of haste, ya tucked a bit of your scarf in wee ya!"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #161 on: September 25, 2014, 11:01:03 PM »
An old Italian wanted to plant his yearly tomato garden but the dirt was very hard.
In the past, his young son had helped him by doing the digging for him but his son was now in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son saying,

"Dear Vincent. 
I am feeling very sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year.  I'm getting too old to dig up the garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  You would happily dig it for me like in the old days.

Love
Papa

A few days later, the old man receved a letter from his son.  It said,

"Dear Pop.
For Gods sake, don't dig in the vegetable garden!
 That's where the bodies are buried."

Love
Vinnie"

At 4 AM the next morning a squad of FBI agents and local police showed up and proceeded to dig up the whole garden area.
Not finding anything, they apologized to the old man and left.

That same morning, the old man recieved a letter from his son.
It said:

"Dear Pop:
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie"
 
Jim
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #162 on: October 01, 2014, 11:39:51 AM »
Just a friendly reminder... no good deed goes unpunished!



There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.  Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...  Can you please help me?
 
Sincerely, Edna

 
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.  I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.   
 
Sincerely, Edna

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #163 on: October 07, 2014, 01:04:22 AM »
A matronly woman from Boston attended a tea party where they served Boston baked beans.  On her trip home she boarded a bus. As she was about to take her seat she let out a very embarrassing bit of flatuance. Thinking starting a conversation might ease the situation she turned to the man seated next to her and asked--"Pardon me sir, but when you boarded this vehicle did you happen to obtain a transfer?" His reply was---"Naw lady, but the first tree we pass I'll reach out and grab you a handful of leaves !"

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #164 on: October 07, 2014, 02:01:35 AM »
That reminds me of the old joke about the East Coast woman who came out to a Dude Ranch here in Arizona.

The day after her arrival a horseback ride was scheduled so she signed up for it.  She spent the evening and the next morning dreaming about actually riding a real live horse.

When the time came, she (with the help of a ranch hand) got into the saddle and joined the long line of other riders on their horses.

After riding some distance, the trail straightened out and all of the horses started to trot.  As they did this, the woman's horse started to do what horses often do when they trot.
With almost every jolt the horse would let out a noisy bit of flatulence.

The woman, not knowing about the nature of horses was extremely embarrassed and after a half mile of this she turned in the saddle and shouted to the man behind her, "Pardon me!".

The man on the horse behind her said, "That was you?  I thought it was your horse."
Jim
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #165 on: October 07, 2014, 04:31:02 PM »
She: I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment.

He: Your eyesight is damn near perfect!
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #166 on: October 07, 2014, 09:27:22 PM »
Q: Why do farts stink?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
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Re: JOTD
« Reply #167 on: October 10, 2014, 11:34:39 PM »
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.........."Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman' he thought, "What the heck...I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again......

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #168 on: November 01, 2014, 04:24:58 AM »
Farmer Browns daughter had gone off to College and when she got there she took her belongings to her room in the Dorm.

While talking with the other girls she found that they all were getting bicycles and, wanting to fit in she sent her father a letter saying,

"Dear Dad:  All of the girls here are buying bicycles.  Could you please send me $100 so I can buy one too?  I know the other girls will be more friendly if I have a bicycle like theirs.
Love Vicky"

The father was not a rich man but he loved his daughter dearly so he scrimped and saved for the $100 to send her.

After a month, he had the money saved so he sent it to Vicky but by then, the fad had changed.  The other girls had sold their bicycles and bought pet monkeys.  Vicky joined them and used the $100 to buy herself a small monkey too.

Things went well for a few weeks but then, her monkey got very sick.
It was so sick the hair started falling off of it.

Vicky figured her dad was a farmer and knew all about sick animals  so he should know what to do to help so she wrote him another letter saying:

"Dear Dad.  The hair is falling off of my monkey.  Please tell me what to do.
Love Vicky"

Her father wrote back saying:

"Dear Vicky:  Sell the bicycle!
Love Dad"
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #169 on: November 02, 2014, 09:28:47 PM »
The Will:

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the as*hole had a paper route!"