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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 7014 times)

Uncle Billy

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #150 on: June 25, 2014, 01:48:55 PM »
A blonde gets a good job and buys herself a new car.  On the first day she drives it to work, the engine starts to stumble and backfire.  She heads to the dealership where she bought it, stomps through the front door and shouts at the salesman "I paid a lot of money for this new car but it runs like junk, so FIX IT!"
The salesman calms her down, gives her a cup of coffee and sends a mechanic out to see to the car.  He lifts the hood, does some things with a few tools and a rag, closes the hood and comes into the showroom, saying "OK, it's fixed now."
They all go outside, there it sits, purring smoothly.  The girl  says "I paid a lot for this but it was running awful.  What's up with that?"
The mechanic says "Not much, just crap in the fuel system."
The blonde says "How often do I need to do that?"
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #151 on: June 25, 2014, 11:52:25 PM »
During WW II in Europe a soldier named Bill had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A fragment from a hand grenade hit him in his left eye.

Bill was rapidly transported back to the field hospital but they couldn't do much to help him so he lost it.

He was very self conscious about his missing eye,  wore an eye patch and would never look anyone directly in the face.

A friend was a skilled wood worker and thought he'd help the situation by carving an artificial eye for the guy.
It worked and looked pretty good but the soldier was still very self conscious about it.

After capturing a large French town, the town decided to put on a dance and all of the soldiers were invited.
Bill didn't want to go but his friends talked him into it.

At the dance, Bill sit in a dark corner of the room but after looking around he noticed a girl sitting across the room, also in a dark corner.  As he studied her, he noticed she was also a victim of the war and was wearing a wooden leg.
This got him thinking.  "We have something in common.  Maybe if I ask her to dance the two of us can become good friends."

With that in mind, he walked across the room and asked, "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I?  Would I?" she said.  to which he replied,

Peg leg!  Peg leg!
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Uncle Billy

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #152 on: June 28, 2014, 05:28:10 PM »
I read this awhile ago in an aviation magazine; it may have appeared here before this.  It's supposed to be a true story, but maybe not...

The people who man the control tower at the airport in Munich had a reputation for being a bit less than helpful, often making things difficult for pilots unfamiliar with the airport layout.  A British Airways Boeing 707 landed there; at the end of his rollout he was cleared to a gate but with little guidance from ground control.  He stopped at the end of the runway to consult the map of the airport taxiways.  Tower came on and said "British Airways, clear the runway".
The pilot replied he was consulting a map for the route.
Tower came back "British Airways, not been to Munich previously?"
The pilot answered, "yes, I was here twice in 1944, but it was dark and we didn't stop."
'14 Royal Enfield Continental GT
'84 Honda VF750F Interceptor
'73 Yamaha RD250B, "cafe racer'd"
'73 Yamaha TY175 Trialer
2 '69 Yamaha AT1 Enduros
'73 Datsun 240Z, GM 350 V8, 200 4R trans.
'66 VW kit car, looks like a Bugatti, drives like an old VW

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #153 on: July 28, 2014, 07:29:15 PM »
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.   She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!  She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
 
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
Adam replied, "Ah.  So... what can I get for a rib?"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #154 on: August 11, 2014, 03:49:23 AM »
Several hours after eating some of his favorite Ham Hock & Navy Bean soup Fred felt the old familiar rumbling. Sure enough, nature was working again so he let fly.
Much to his amazement it didn't sound at all normal.
In fact, it sounded like his rear said, "Honda".

He went in to the living room where his wife was watching TV and sit next to her.
Again, the rumbling started and he let fly.
"Honda".

"What about a Honda?" his wife asked. He didn't answer, but a few minutes later, once again..."Honda" sounded out loud and clear.

His wife said, "I don't know why you keep talking about Japanese cars but something in here stinks."

After thinking about his new sound he became rather worried so first thing the next morning he went to his Doctor.

After describing what was happening, his Doctor said, "I'm afraid I can't help you. You need to go to Doctor Wan Lee. He knows about these things."

Fred bee-lined it over to Dr. Lee's office.
After filling out the paperwork he was told to go back to see the Doctor.

Just as he was walking into the office, the rumbling began again and before he could speak his rear once again said, "Honda".

Dr Lee looked up and said, "You need to see a Dentist for your abscessed tooth!"

Fred said, "What are you talking about? I came to see you because of my strange sounding flatulence, not my mouth."

The Doctor looked at him and said,
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #155 on: August 11, 2014, 10:48:34 AM »
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."


mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #156 on: September 06, 2014, 03:20:52 PM »
Sorry if this one has been posted before.  In two parts; for some reason, it won't let me post the whole thing...



Subject: Technical Support
To: Technical Support
Subject: Software Problems

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to  run some of my other favorite  applications. I am  thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Joe

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #157 on: September 06, 2014, 03:22:33 PM »
Part Two:



Subject: Technical Support

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #158 on: September 06, 2014, 11:08:57 PM »
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks, "Whats the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.  It frightens me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that."
"When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room of calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the Doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."  ::)
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Uncle Billy

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #159 on: September 12, 2014, 01:42:04 PM »
Two tribes in New Guinea were in an ongoing war over which tribe were the rulers of the island they shared.  The symbol of supremacy was a gold-laden throne on which the emperor sat because doing so made him or her the Emperor Over All - whoever possessed the throne was therefore the ruling tribe. After successfully recapturing the throne after numerous exchanges in battles lost and won it was decided that hiding it when the government wasn't in session might be the best way to keep it from being taken by the other tribe.  A system of ropes and pulleys was designed that lifted the throne out of sight into a space above the throne room, in the largest hut in the village.  But the throne was heavy and the hut was made of small branches and grass so the first time the throne was lifted into its place of safe-keeping, the hut collapsed and killed the tribal leaders.
The moral:  "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones".
'14 Royal Enfield Continental GT
'84 Honda VF750F Interceptor
'73 Yamaha RD250B, "cafe racer'd"
'73 Yamaha TY175 Trialer
2 '69 Yamaha AT1 Enduros
'73 Datsun 240Z, GM 350 V8, 200 4R trans.
'66 VW kit car, looks like a Bugatti, drives like an old VW

Scotty Brown

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #160 on: September 14, 2014, 12:13:09 AM »
Angus MacTavish returned from the wars -- His Lass came down from the highlands to meet him at the train station-- "Aye Angus it 's so guid ta see ya" --Aye Lass, tis bin a wile -- "Angus, I came ta walk wee ya back up ta the heighlands." -- As they proceeded upon their journey his Lass said " Angus, I were hoping that we might stop in one of the glens along the way and make love the way we usta" -- " Aye Lass, that would be most fine"  So they stopped in the glen and proceeded with their love makin.-- Angus looked down at his Lass and her head was bobbin on the ground, just a bobbin up and down.  "Lass, ha ya contracted some sort of an ailment while I been away? -- " Ah nay Angus, but in your moment of haste, ya tucked a bit of your scarf in wee ya!"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #161 on: September 25, 2014, 11:01:03 PM »
An old Italian wanted to plant his yearly tomato garden but the dirt was very hard.
In the past, his young son had helped him by doing the digging for him but his son was now in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son saying,

"Dear Vincent. 
I am feeling very sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year.  I'm getting too old to dig up the garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  You would happily dig it for me like in the old days.

Love
Papa

A few days later, the old man receved a letter from his son.  It said,

"Dear Pop.
For Gods sake, don't dig in the vegetable garden!
 That's where the bodies are buried."

Love
Vinnie"

At 4 AM the next morning a squad of FBI agents and local police showed up and proceeded to dig up the whole garden area.
Not finding anything, they apologized to the old man and left.

That same morning, the old man recieved a letter from his son.
It said:

"Dear Pop:
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie"
 
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #162 on: October 01, 2014, 11:39:51 AM »
Just a friendly reminder... no good deed goes unpunished!



There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.  Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...  Can you please help me?
 
Sincerely, Edna

 
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.  I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.   
 
Sincerely, Edna

Scotty Brown

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #163 on: October 07, 2014, 01:04:22 AM »
A matronly woman from Boston attended a tea party where they served Boston baked beans.  On her trip home she boarded a bus. As she was about to take her seat she let out a very embarrassing bit of flatuance. Thinking starting a conversation might ease the situation she turned to the man seated next to her and asked--"Pardon me sir, but when you boarded this vehicle did you happen to obtain a transfer?" His reply was---"Naw lady, but the first tree we pass I'll reach out and grab you a handful of leaves !"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #164 on: October 07, 2014, 02:01:35 AM »
That reminds me of the old joke about the East Coast woman who came out to a Dude Ranch here in Arizona.

The day after her arrival a horseback ride was scheduled so she signed up for it.  She spent the evening and the next morning dreaming about actually riding a real live horse.

When the time came, she (with the help of a ranch hand) got into the saddle and joined the long line of other riders on their horses.

After riding some distance, the trail straightened out and all of the horses started to trot.  As they did this, the woman's horse started to do what horses often do when they trot.
With almost every jolt the horse would let out a noisy bit of flatulence.

The woman, not knowing about the nature of horses was extremely embarrassed and after a half mile of this she turned in the saddle and shouted to the man behind her, "Pardon me!".

The man on the horse behind her said, "That was you?  I thought it was your horse."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary