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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 5471 times)

Uncle Billy

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #150 on: June 25, 2014, 01:48:55 PM »
A blonde gets a good job and buys herself a new car.  On the first day she drives it to work, the engine starts to stumble and backfire.  She heads to the dealership where she bought it, stomps through the front door and shouts at the salesman "I paid a lot of money for this new car but it runs like junk, so FIX IT!"
The salesman calms her down, gives her a cup of coffee and sends a mechanic out to see to the car.  He lifts the hood, does some things with a few tools and a rag, closes the hood and comes into the showroom, saying "OK, it's fixed now."
They all go outside, there it sits, purring smoothly.  The girl  says "I paid a lot for this but it was running awful.  What's up with that?"
The mechanic says "Not much, just crap in the fuel system."
The blonde says "How often do I need to do that?"
'14 Royal Enfield Continental GT
'84 Honda VF750F Interceptor
'73 Yamaha RD250B, "cafe racer'd"
'73 Yamaha TY175 Trialer
2 '69 Yamaha AT1 Enduros
'73 Datsun 240Z, GM 350 V8, 200 4R trans.
'66 VW kit car, looks like a Bugatti, drives like an old VW

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #151 on: June 25, 2014, 11:52:25 PM »
During WW II in Europe a soldier named Bill had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A fragment from a hand grenade hit him in his left eye.

Bill was rapidly transported back to the field hospital but they couldn't do much to help him so he lost it.

He was very self conscious about his missing eye,  wore an eye patch and would never look anyone directly in the face.

A friend was a skilled wood worker and thought he'd help the situation by carving an artificial eye for the guy.
It worked and looked pretty good but the soldier was still very self conscious about it.

After capturing a large French town, the town decided to put on a dance and all of the soldiers were invited.
Bill didn't want to go but his friends talked him into it.

At the dance, Bill sit in a dark corner of the room but after looking around he noticed a girl sitting across the room, also in a dark corner.  As he studied her, he noticed she was also a victim of the war and was wearing a wooden leg.
This got him thinking.  "We have something in common.  Maybe if I ask her to dance the two of us can become good friends."

With that in mind, he walked across the room and asked, "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I?  Would I?" she said.  to which he replied,

Peg leg!  Peg leg!
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Uncle Billy

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #152 on: June 28, 2014, 05:28:10 PM »
I read this awhile ago in an aviation magazine; it may have appeared here before this.  It's supposed to be a true story, but maybe not...

The people who man the control tower at the airport in Munich had a reputation for being a bit less than helpful, often making things difficult for pilots unfamiliar with the airport layout.  A British Airways Boeing 707 landed there; at the end of his rollout he was cleared to a gate but with little guidance from ground control.  He stopped at the end of the runway to consult the map of the airport taxiways.  Tower came on and said "British Airways, clear the runway".
The pilot replied he was consulting a map for the route.
Tower came back "British Airways, not been to Munich previously?"
The pilot answered, "yes, I was here twice in 1944, but it was dark and we didn't stop."
'14 Royal Enfield Continental GT
'84 Honda VF750F Interceptor
'73 Yamaha RD250B, "cafe racer'd"
'73 Yamaha TY175 Trialer
2 '69 Yamaha AT1 Enduros
'73 Datsun 240Z, GM 350 V8, 200 4R trans.
'66 VW kit car, looks like a Bugatti, drives like an old VW

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #153 on: July 28, 2014, 07:29:15 PM »
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.   She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!  She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
 
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
Adam replied, "Ah.  So... what can I get for a rib?"

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #154 on: August 11, 2014, 03:49:23 AM »
Several hours after eating some of his favorite Ham Hock & Navy Bean soup Fred felt the old familiar rumbling. Sure enough, nature was working again so he let fly.
Much to his amazement it didn't sound at all normal.
In fact, it sounded like his rear said, "Honda".

He went in to the living room where his wife was watching TV and sit next to her.
Again, the rumbling started and he let fly.
"Honda".

"What about a Honda?" his wife asked. He didn't answer, but a few minutes later, once again..."Honda" sounded out loud and clear.

His wife said, "I don't know why you keep talking about Japanese cars but something in here stinks."

After thinking about his new sound he became rather worried so first thing the next morning he went to his Doctor.

After describing what was happening, his Doctor said, "I'm afraid I can't help you. You need to go to Doctor Wan Lee. He knows about these things."

Fred bee-lined it over to Dr. Lee's office.
After filling out the paperwork he was told to go back to see the Doctor.

Just as he was walking into the office, the rumbling began again and before he could speak his rear once again said, "Honda".

Dr Lee looked up and said, "You need to see a Dentist for your abscessed tooth!"

Fred said, "What are you talking about? I came to see you because of my strange sounding flatulence, not my mouth."

The Doctor looked at him and said,
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #155 on: August 11, 2014, 10:48:34 AM »
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."