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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 3599 times)

singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #30 on: September 06, 2013, 10:06:41 PM »
One Italian recently returned from his trip to the Garden State of New Jersey. His friends ask him 'How was the trip?' 

He tells them "I went to a bigga hotel and go down to eat soma breakfast.  I tella the waitress I wanna two pss toast. She branga me only one a piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss.  She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."

"Later, I go to eat soma lunch at a restaurant the waitress bringa me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She telssa me everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She says you better not fock on the table. You sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch".

"So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch."

"I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch."

I go bak to Italy !!!
« Last Edit: September 06, 2013, 10:33:42 PM by singhg5 »
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singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #31 on: September 06, 2013, 10:28:02 PM »
Male OR Female ?

Freezer Bags ?
Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Tires ?
Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?
« Last Edit: September 06, 2013, 10:48:29 PM by singhg5 »
1970's Jawa /  Yezdi
2006 Honda Nighthawk
2009 Royal Enfield Black G5

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #32 on: September 06, 2013, 10:38:25 PM »
A Chinese man walks into a cafe and sits down at the counter.

The cook says, "What do you want?"

The Chinese man says, "I like some flied lice."

The cook says, "Look.  I'm from Greece and even I know that people in the United States call it fried rice.  Is that what you want?"

The China-man says, "Yes." so the cook makes him some.

The next day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says, "I want flied lice."

The cook says, "It's called FRIED RICE!" and brings him some.

The following day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says,
I want some frrrrried  rrrrice, you Gleek Plick!!"
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #33 on: September 06, 2013, 10:48:43 PM »
I sent this to my niece and her mom who owns a Chinese Rest. (She's from Taiwan).
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #34 on: September 07, 2013, 05:35:30 AM »
Anybody wants to guess ?

Depends.  Is it gonna make-a me look bad, or my wife?

ridgerunner

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2013, 01:21:08 AM »
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Like it! ;D
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2013, 06:06:55 AM »
Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?

All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #37 on: September 09, 2013, 05:49:24 PM »
A man setting in the club house at the local golf club was drinking his 5th beer when a friend walked up.

"You look totally beat!" the friend said.

"I am.

 Charlie Snider and I went out to shoot a full 18 holes this morning.
Everything was going fine and by the time we got to the 7th green I was a shot ahead of him.

Then, as he was putting out, he had a massive heart attack.

The rest of the day was absolutely horrible.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie...."
« Last Edit: September 09, 2013, 05:51:54 PM by Arizoni »
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Ice

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #38 on: September 09, 2013, 07:30:36 PM »
 An Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing by his staff. While waiting for the coffee maker to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" The S-3 Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work. The S-2 Captain said it was 50-50%.    A lieutenant from the S-4 shop responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the SPC in charge of making the coffee and asked what was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young SPC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was a bit surprised and asked why.

 The SPC said "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
I can break it better,,,,at night, in the rain, on the trail,, 20 miles from nowhere.

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singhg5

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #39 on: September 09, 2013, 10:15:20 PM »
All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...

Photocopier:
is a FEMALE because once turned OFF, it takes a while to warm them UP  ;D !
1970's Jawa /  Yezdi
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jdrouin

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2013, 01:10:20 PM »
This one was told to me nearly 20 years ago by the father of one of my five-year-old swim students, in front of a class of five-year-olds.

A woman walks into a bar and hangs her coat high upon a peg, revealing a very hairy armpit. She sits down at one end of the bar, and a drunk man at the other end says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of bar a drink, on me."

The bartender completes the task, and the woman raises her glass in thanks to the man.

Some time later, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me." The bartender scratches his head a moment, but completes the request. The woman again raises her glass in thanks to the man.

When she finishes, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me."

This time the bartender says, "Look, I don't mind fulfilling your request, but what on earth makes you so sure she's a ballerina?"

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
« Last Edit: September 10, 2013, 01:13:21 PM by jdrouin »

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2013, 06:47:32 PM »
Two men found themselves in Cairo without transportation.
As they walked down the street a man from a Used Camel lot walked out to say,
"I see you are without a ride.  I have just the camel for you and the price is very reasonable."

The men told the man they had never even seen a camel up close so they wouldn't know how to ride it.

The salesman said,
 "You need to know nothing to ride this camel.  He is trained to watch the street lights and to do as they say.  It is all very easy."

The two men talked for a while and decided to buy the camel.  Following the purchase they climbed up on it and away they went.

Half an hour later they both walked back into the camel dealers lot.  The dealer was greatly surprised to see them and asked,
 "Why have you returned and where is the camel?"

One of the men said,
 "We were doing great.  When the lights were green the camel walked thru the intersection.  When the lights were red, the camel would stop.

Then, while we were waiting for a red light to change we heard someone on the sidewalk say, 'Look at those two ass holes on that camel.' 

We both got off to look and the light changed to green and that's the last we saw of it." 
Jim
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1 Thump

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2013, 06:57:20 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are."

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #43 on: September 11, 2013, 05:47:46 PM »
God was busy working in the kitchen when Mother Teresa walked in.

As he continued to mix up some tuna salad, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw that they were all eating Fillet Mignon and lobster.

"God", she asked.  "Why are the people down in hell eating Fillet Mignon and lobster while we are only having tuna salad sandwiches?"

God answered, "Well, with only the two of us here I didn't see any reason to dirty up a bunch of dishes."
Jim
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #44 on: September 12, 2013, 04:45:32 AM »
FULL BODY SCANS AT  AIRPORTS:

December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA:

Terrorists Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 59,350
Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls...