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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 5053 times)

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #60 on: September 23, 2013, 11:06:16 PM »
A man wearing tattered cloths walked up the driveway of a fancy large house and spotted a man sitting on the front porch.

"Got any work that needs doing around here?" he asked.

The homeowner on the porch thought for a moment and said,
 "If your handy with a paint brush, the porch around back needs painting.
 I bought all of the paint and the brushes a few days ago but I just haven't gotten around to doing the work.
I'll pay you $50 to paint it if you do a good job."

The tattered man said, "You got yourself a deal mister" and walked around to the back of the house.

20 minutes later the man was back at the front porch saying, "It's all done!"

The homeowner said, "Your done already?  I thought that job would take at least 5 hours!"

The tattered man said, "Nope.  You was wrong about the amount of time it would take and you was wrong about the car too.  That weren't no Porsche, it was a Mercedes."
Jim
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DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #61 on: September 26, 2013, 03:31:16 AM »
The following is not a question given on a University  chemistry midterm, and an answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
« Last Edit: September 27, 2013, 10:53:36 PM by DanB »
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #62 on: September 26, 2013, 11:52:00 PM »
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'  The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....




'Your house'

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #63 on: September 26, 2013, 11:56:49 PM »
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

I don't know who made snopes the decider, but... sorry:

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp   :(

DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #64 on: September 27, 2013, 12:22:12 AM »
Didn't even think of that. Just thought it was funny.
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #65 on: September 27, 2013, 04:51:00 AM »
Being a Arizona State University graduate, I knew it was just a made up joke. 
The University of Arizona doesn't have anyone that smart down there.  ;D
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #66 on: September 27, 2013, 05:06:24 AM »
A woman walks into a Pet Store and asks the clerk if he has anything unusual for sale.

The clerk says, "Yes mam" and walks over to a stout cage.
He slowly opens the cage and inside is a small fuzzy very powerfully built little animal.  "This is an Australian Furry."

"My, it's cute.  What does it do?" asked the woman.

The clerk tosses a small rubber ball into the cage and says, "Furry, Ball!"
Like a streak the animal is on the ball with jaws biting, gnashing and ripping off pieces of the ball. In no time at all, the ball is nothing but small fragments spread all over the floor of the cage.

The woman says, "I'll take it.  I don't care what the price is, I must have that Furry."

The clerk is a surprised voice asks, "Just what do you intend to do with it?"

The woman answers,
 "I'm going to put it in the hall closet tonight.
When my worthless husband comes home from the bar and opens the closet he's bound to notice it and he will ask, "What the hell is this?"

I'll answer, "It's a furry dear." and he'll say, "Furry my ass!"
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

redcat

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #67 on: September 29, 2013, 11:59:59 AM »
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
Watch out for the guy behind the guy in front of you

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #68 on: September 29, 2013, 12:12:48 PM »
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
I love it!
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #69 on: September 29, 2013, 02:12:27 PM »
Three Kinds

 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
 The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
 'Onions?'
 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
 This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
 The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
 'A Christmas tree?'
 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
  ;D
NON TIMEBO MALA.

Buckeroo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #70 on: October 01, 2013, 05:07:48 PM »
" the balls are just for decoration.'
I might as well get out the paint, then.
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #71 on: October 01, 2013, 06:01:06 PM »
As for Snopes, it has lost all it's credibility since the liberals took over.
Bare
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mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #72 on: October 01, 2013, 10:23:09 PM »
Don't believe everything you read on the internet, Bare!  ;)

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #73 on: October 02, 2013, 12:19:47 AM »
While riding on a train thru New Mexico, two business men were discussing the American Indian and his gift for having a long memory.
When the train stopped at a small station the men got off and noticed a Navajo Indian sitting beside the station doorway.

One of the men walked up to the Indian and said, "Hey Chief.  What did you have for breakfast eight months ago on December 12th?"

The Navajo looked up and said, "Eggs."

As the man asked, "How were they cooked?", the train whistle blew so the men hurried back and climbed aboard.

A year passed and the same two men once again were on the train as it stopped at the small station.

Getting off, they noticed the same Navajo sitting beside the station door.
One of the men said, "I wonder if he remembers when we were here a year ago?"

With that, he walked up to the Indian and said, "Remember us?"

Without looking up the Navajo said, "Scrambled." 
Jim
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D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #74 on: October 02, 2013, 04:44:24 AM »
New day (barely); new joke:
A blond police officer sees a blond woman speeding and pulls her over.
The blond officer asks the blond driver to show her driver's license and registration.  The blond driver keeps digging around in her huge bag, getting more and more flustered as the blond officer waits.
The blond driver asks; "What does a driver's license look like?"
The blond officer says; "It's rectangular and flat and has your picture on it."
The blond driver pulls out a small mirror, looks at herself in it, and then hands it to the blond officer.
The blond officer looks in the mirror and says; "I'm sorry.  I didn't know you're a cop too!"
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