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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 5112 times)

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #75 on: October 04, 2013, 04:51:51 PM »
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down. :D
NON TIMEBO MALA.

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #76 on: October 04, 2013, 04:55:57 PM »
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
'07 Iron Barrel Military (Deceased 14 September, 2013)
2014 Yamaha Bolt R Spec V-Twin
1975 XLCH

GreenMachine

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #77 on: October 04, 2013, 05:26:54 PM »
Haaaaaaaaaaaa...Reminds me of Daryl Hannah..
Oh Magoo you done it again

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #78 on: October 05, 2013, 12:59:00 AM »
D&D and Green machine, Glad you enjoyed it thought it was priceless first time I heard it. Think this is the best Non Bike thread enjoy the heck out of it.  :)
NON TIMEBO MALA.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #79 on: October 05, 2013, 09:37:46 PM »
Leaving politics aside...

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
 
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10...  where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."                           
 
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." 
   
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #80 on: October 05, 2013, 10:58:40 PM »
LOL    ::)
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Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #81 on: October 06, 2013, 05:01:35 AM »
And, with cold weather coming:

A man walks out onto a frozen lake to do some ice fishing.
He spots a young kid and decides that looks as good as anywhere to cut his hole so he walks over and saws a hole thru the ice.

During the next half hour he doesn't get even a nibble on his line but the kid next to him is repeatedly pulling a newly caught fish out of his hole.

The man can't stand it any longer so he asks the kid what his secret is.
The kid says, "MUPRUSHHEEHM".

The man says, "I didn't understand what you said.  Could you repeat it for me?"

Again the kid says, ""MUPRUSHHEEHM".

Again the man says, "I couldn't under stand a word you said.  Would you mind telling me your secret once again?"

With that, the kid spit out a large gooey ball into his hand and said, "You got to keep your worms warm."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #82 on: October 11, 2013, 10:42:28 PM »
EXERCISE FOR OLD-TIMERS (you know who you are!!!)



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level  ;) ).




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

cyrusb

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #83 on: October 11, 2013, 10:46:49 PM »
Make up sex......It's worth fighting for....

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #84 on: October 12, 2013, 12:54:39 AM »
A young man visiting Egypt was without transportation when he spied a Used Camel Lot.

He walked in to find the typical salesman who instantly recognized a source of income when he saw one.

"Come right over here", the salesman said.  "This camel is an excellent buy.
He is young and has many years of life ahead of him.
He has no ticks or diseases.  A fine specimen in perfect health.
He can go for days without water, he eats very little and as a bonus, he knows every water hole in all of Egypt.  Riding this camel you'll never go thirsty.
  The price is very reasonable for a valuable animal like this and you can't go wrong if you buy him."

Convinced by the salesman's pitch, the young man bought the camel and rode off down the road in the blistering heat of the summer day.

Several miles out of town, the camel suddenly jerked several times, came to a complete stop.  It proceeded to fall down on its side and nothing the young man tried could get it to move.
Disgusted, the man walked back to the camel dealers lot and told him about the camels condition.
The salesman said, "Never fear! I know just what the problem is and I can fix it in an instant.  Just get up here on my camel and we'll ride out to your camel.

Arriving at the young mans camel, it was obvious it hadn't moved an inch.
The salesman got down from his camel and walked over to the downed beast.
Drawing his foot back he then kicked the camel right in the center of its stomach.

With that the camel produced a fart loud enough to shake the ground and a small dust storm swirled  from his rear.
Before the dust had settled, the camel jumped to his feet, ready to go.

The young man asked, "What was the problem?"

The salesman answered, "Vapor lock."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

D the D

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #85 on: October 12, 2013, 01:11:47 AM »
Can I have the last 15 seconds of my back?
'07 Iron Barrel Military (Deceased 14 September, 2013)
2014 Yamaha Bolt R Spec V-Twin
1975 XLCH

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #86 on: October 12, 2013, 08:57:15 AM »
No, it's gone forever!

barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #87 on: October 12, 2013, 07:06:44 PM »
Today is NOT the worst day of your life...It's just the worst so far!
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TWinOKC

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #88 on: November 07, 2013, 07:17:10 PM »
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem.

The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #89 on: November 21, 2013, 04:22:00 AM »
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
2006 AVL Electra