HPRE

Menu

Members Rides

Ready to roll.


in
Members Rides

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?
November 24, 2014, 04:28:22 PM

Login with username, password and session length

 

Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 7706 times)

TWinOKC

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 590
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #90 on: November 25, 2013, 03:45:14 AM »
 
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
2010  C5  Teal
Triumph Bonneville T100

WillW

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 1679
  • Karma: 0
  • ~ it's about the ride ~
Re: JOTD
« Reply #91 on: November 26, 2013, 05:12:11 PM »
true story...
2010 Royal Enfield Electra (G5) DL

2004 Kawasaki W650
~ the best british bike they never made ~

barenekd

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 5399
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #92 on: November 26, 2013, 06:36:20 PM »
Whadya expect fer a A&M guy?
Bare
2013 Moto Guzzi V7 Racer
2011 Black Classic G5 (RIP)
I refuse to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death
http://www.controllineplans.com

DonK

  • Bulleteer
  • ***
  • Posts: 135
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #93 on: November 26, 2013, 06:44:45 PM »
My buddy sent me these today...


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
 
***********
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 
***********
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose  patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,  "Yesterday."
 
 
***********
 
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 
 
***********
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 

DanB

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 515
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #94 on: November 26, 2013, 07:03:48 PM »
hahahaha!  Made my day.  Thank you!
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
2006 AVL Electra

High On Octane

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 4155
  • Karma: 0
  • Go Fast & Look Good Doing It
Re: JOTD
« Reply #95 on: November 27, 2013, 05:35:50 PM »
My sex life is a lot like fishing.  Sometimes I just cast out my worm, wiggle it around and hope for a bite.   ;D
Scottie J
Denver, CO

1958 Enfield/Indian Trailblazer

Darkside

  • Scooter
  • **
  • Posts: 68
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #96 on: December 05, 2013, 04:24:27 PM »
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a political statement. Just thought it might make someone laugh. I did.  ;D

An Indian walks into a  cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the  other.  He says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He  gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... 
The Indian drinks the  coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the  shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then  just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He  has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with  the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your  mess from yesterday.  What was all that about,  anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 



"Training for position in  United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,  leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of  day."


NON TIMEBO MALA.

D the D

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 1174
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #97 on: December 05, 2013, 04:27:51 PM »
PI, but I laughed.  ;D
'07 Iron Barrel Military (Deceased 14 September, 2013)
2014 Yamaha Bolt R Spec V-Twin
1975 XLCH

Arizoni

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 4511
  • Karma: 1
  • "But it's a dry heat here in Arizona
Re: JOTD
« Reply #98 on: December 05, 2013, 10:00:33 PM »
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Blltrdr

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 1777
  • Karma: 0
  • cycle-delic music
Re: JOTD
« Reply #99 on: December 05, 2013, 10:12:18 PM »
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

So let me get this straight. The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged poodle named Fifi. Couldn't the Marine see this here dog was just no average bitch, but a older more refined high class one. The dog will be easy to identify though, being so well dressed and all.  ;D
2003 Classic 500 5 spd
1992 Kawasaki ZG 1200 Voyager XII
1977 Yamaha XS 360-2D (Cafe Project)

Darkside

  • Scooter
  • **
  • Posts: 68
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #100 on: December 05, 2013, 10:25:22 PM »
Arizoni,  ;)  ;D  8)
NON TIMEBO MALA.

Darkside

  • Scooter
  • **
  • Posts: 68
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #101 on: December 07, 2013, 09:06:32 PM »
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the young women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."  ;D
NON TIMEBO MALA.

singhg5

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2299
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #102 on: December 17, 2013, 04:25:14 AM »
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the few hair he had left on his balding head.

Thrilled with the ride, he pushed the pedal even more. Then he saw a state trooper's flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He floored the pedal to 100 mph, then 110 mph, then 120 mph. Suddenly he thought to himself 'I am too old for this' and pulled over to wait for the trooper to arrive.

The cop pulled behind him in a few seconds, got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never heard before - I will let you go".

The old gentleman paused and then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back".

"Have a good day Sir", as trooper drove off in his car.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2013, 05:18:49 AM by singhg5 »
1970's Jawa /  Yezdi
2006 Honda Nighthawk
2009 Royal Enfield Black G5

Darkside

  • Scooter
  • **
  • Posts: 68
  • Karma: 0
Re: JOTD
« Reply #103 on: December 18, 2013, 04:10:54 AM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
NON TIMEBO MALA.

High On Octane

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 4155
  • Karma: 0
  • Go Fast & Look Good Doing It
Re: JOTD
« Reply #104 on: December 18, 2013, 01:00:53 PM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

LMAO  I like that one.  :D
Scottie J
Denver, CO

1958 Enfield/Indian Trailblazer