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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 6800 times)

WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #105 on: December 18, 2013, 05:32:57 PM »
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #106 on: December 18, 2013, 08:46:58 PM »
      Two cannibals have just sat down to dinner after spending most of the day cooking a clown they've captured.

       One cannibal turns to the other after a few bites & asks "Does this taste funny to you"?
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #107 on: December 18, 2013, 08:51:11 PM »
      A ducks walks into a drugstore & asks the clerk for a bright red lipstick.

      "Cash"?

       "No. Just put it on my bill".
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tooseevee

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #108 on: December 18, 2013, 09:03:40 PM »
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?
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mplayle

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #109 on: December 19, 2013, 02:30:17 AM »
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?

No joke, just the "Village People".

 :o

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #110 on: December 19, 2013, 04:35:57 PM »
Back to the camels...

A seasoned caravan driver wants to buy a camel, can't afford a new one, so he looks for something in a used dromedary.
The salesman is glad for some business, so he shows the man a good healthy one, but kindly adds the caveat " This camel is much like a horse. You can lead him to water, but you can't make him drink."
The caravaner says "Untrue at best, and I'd be happy to disprove your theory."
The salesman, chuckling, says "Go for it."
The caravaner immediately brings the camel to a well, and when it refuses to drink he pulls two plate-sized, very flat rocks out of his robe. After pushing the camel's nose near the water he stands behind it and quickly smashes the camel's balls between the two rocks, forcing the camel to inhale suddenly and suck up the water!
The salesman is amazed and says "Damn! That's gotta hurt like hell!"
And the caravaner says "Not really. Just keep your thumbs out of the way."
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #111 on: December 19, 2013, 10:42:22 PM »
A few days later, deep into the Sahara the camel was showing sighs of dehidration so after arriving at a water hole the caravaner tried to get his camel to drink.  The camel would have none of it.

Lacking any flat rocks the caravaner told his helper, "You grab his head and hold his nose under the water and I'll pump some into him."

With the helper holding the camels nose as asked the caravaner grabbed its tail and started pumping it up and down.
After a few pumps the greatly upset camel promptly crapped on him causing him to yell, "PULL UP HIS HEAD!  HE'S SUCKING MUD!"
Jim
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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #112 on: December 23, 2013, 05:05:43 PM »
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… I suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my Ipod… and how was your day?

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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #113 on: December 24, 2013, 10:38:17 PM »
 :o
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #114 on: December 26, 2013, 03:03:52 PM »
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

 ;D Oh and Merry Christmas everyone.
NON TIMEBO MALA.

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #115 on: December 26, 2013, 07:13:28 PM »
Ah, the musings and poetry of James Haddow!  ;D
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #116 on: December 28, 2013, 10:24:28 PM »
For those of us thinking about having a mid life crisis.  :o

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
NON TIMEBO MALA.

gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #117 on: December 28, 2013, 11:11:53 PM »
when i asked the blond receptionist at work her idea of safe sex,she replied without blinking "a padded headboard" :o
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Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #118 on: January 04, 2014, 05:24:25 AM »
I just found out about the Massachusetts crow problem, you folks up there have my sympathy!
It seems like there have been a lot of crows killed on the highways lately. Upon investigation using paint samples and accident reports the MTA has determined that 98% of them have been hit by trucks. Further research has shown that while the crows are on the road eating the carrion they always post a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of danger.The MTA has done a lengthy study and believe they are on to something. They have discovered that virtually every crow can say "cah!' but they haven't found a single one that can say "truck!".  ;)
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heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #119 on: January 04, 2014, 01:44:43 PM »
Ouch!
 ::)
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.