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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 7699 times)

barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #120 on: January 04, 2014, 05:26:42 PM »
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.
 
2013 Moto Guzzi V7 Racer
2011 Black Classic G5 (RIP)
I refuse to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death
http://www.controllineplans.com

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #121 on: January 05, 2014, 05:31:55 PM »
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
 “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
 “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
 “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
 “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
 “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
 “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

NON TIMEBO MALA.

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #122 on: January 06, 2014, 02:26:45 AM »
 ;D
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #123 on: January 06, 2014, 08:00:21 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
2014 c5 military

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #124 on: January 08, 2014, 05:28:57 PM »
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip_ _ _t!"  :'(
NON TIMEBO MALA.

barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #125 on: January 16, 2014, 05:34:50 PM »
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had. Johnny replied,

'This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass....

it'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
2013 Moto Guzzi V7 Racer
2011 Black Classic G5 (RIP)
I refuse to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death
http://www.controllineplans.com

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #126 on: January 18, 2014, 03:20:32 PM »
 ;D :)   ::)
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High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #127 on: January 18, 2014, 03:47:56 PM »
A Fisherman's Joke

A bass is swimming around the lake enjoying a beautiful day when he swims over to his bluegill friend and says "Man.  I have a great life.  I've lived in this lake for 10 years and can do whatever I want.  I am KING of this lake!  Life is good!  So how are you doing?"  The bluegill responds "Well, you know, life is good.  I can't complain.  But you see that guy over there?  You keep eating all of his kids.  His life is kind of crappie."   

Scottie
Scottie J
Denver, CO

1958 Enfield/Indian Trailblazer

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #128 on: January 18, 2014, 04:12:59 PM »
Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my god! You slut!
How many is a Brazilian?"   :o
NON TIMEBO MALA.

gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #129 on: January 18, 2014, 10:35:53 PM »
3 women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were convicted of murder in the "27th degree".

The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.

The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2...3!!!"

"FIRE!!!" the good ol blonde screamed...
2014 c5 military

The_Rigger

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #130 on: January 19, 2014, 02:21:06 AM »
Oy...
« Last Edit: January 19, 2014, 02:26:35 AM by The_Rigger »
-Dave
2012 C5 Special
Central Michigan, USA (when I'm not working somewhere else)

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #131 on: January 19, 2014, 04:47:55 AM »
A Sioux Indian boy was tired of the other Indian boys laughing and taunting him. He was very dejected.

Finally, he worked up enough courage to ask his parents a question that had long been on his mind so he went to his Fathers Tee Pee and said, "Father?  I need to ask a question."

His father replied, "Yes, my son.  What is your question?"

"Father?  Is it true?  Are Indian children named after the first thing the mother sees or hears after they are born, like Rising Sun and Great Thunder?"

The father answers, "Yes, Two Dogs Humping.  Why do you ask?"
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

gmmechanic

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #132 on: January 22, 2014, 05:32:36 AM »
two dogs humping grew up to be the best hunter,meanest warrior ,and most handsome man in the tribe...and so it was deemed that he marry the prettiest lady ...a month before the wedding two dogs humping went to the chief medicine man and confessed that even though he was brave and strong he knew nothing about love and sex...the medicine man took himout in the forest and found a tree with a knothole at the correct level and he showed two dogs how to practice for the special night...he said you go into the woods each day and find a good knothole to practice on...well the day of the wedding all was beautiful and as was the custom the elders surrounded the wedding hut as tha pair entered...a few minutes later there was a terrible scream,continuous for few minutes...the medicine man entered and found the poor lady bleeding and two dogs standing above her with a bloody sick...what are you doing asked the medicine man????..two dogs just grinned and said"me checkum for bees"....
2014 c5 military

GreenForce82

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #133 on: January 23, 2014, 05:37:54 AM »
fricken winter

I haven't seen this much blowing and drifting since they built that whorehouse next to the racetrack...






and...




Did you hear that many major cites will start random drug testing on some of their cities most travelled roads?





Cuzza all the POT HOLES!




Wakka Wakka Wakka!!!
« Last Edit: January 23, 2014, 05:40:32 AM by GreenForce82 »
"Counted his friends in burned-out spark plugs
and prays that he always will.

But he's the last of the blue blood greaser boys all of his mates are doing time:

Married with three kids up by the ring road
sold their souls straight down the line.

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #134 on: February 15, 2014, 11:47:06 PM »
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
 The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"   ::) :o
NON TIMEBO MALA.