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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 7308 times)

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #135 on: February 16, 2014, 02:56:21 AM »
Got this in an email - stolen from who knows where...

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
 
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #136 on: February 16, 2014, 01:29:30 PM »
Man, I hope there aren't any dumb blondes in this forum...

A blonde is racing her Mustang down the pike when she's stopped by a blonde police officer who asks to see her license.
The racing blonde says" It's right there on the back of the car."
The blonde officer explains that the license is most likely in her hand bag and about the size of her compact.
The blonde in the car digs around and hands the officer the compact.
The officer opens it up, looks at the mirror, and says " Oh! If I knew you were an officer I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

Darkside

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #137 on: February 20, 2014, 01:44:23 AM »
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.  :o
NON TIMEBO MALA.

DonK

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #138 on: February 24, 2014, 03:18:49 PM »
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #139 on: March 21, 2014, 01:51:00 PM »
I like that one!

This thread has been quiet too long:


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of The Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


DanB

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #140 on: March 21, 2014, 03:17:25 PM »
This was forwarded to me... thought it worthy of a Friday:

You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads.
This one gets First prize...



I e-mailed this to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back:
If light stay on for more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
(This make me raugh out roud)
Suppose I were an idiot, and suppose I were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ... Mark Twain
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WillW

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #141 on: April 22, 2014, 10:32:23 AM »
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesys
(gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,
the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers,
my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was
surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

 

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barenekd

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #142 on: April 22, 2014, 08:31:04 PM »
Great Truths

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man
    is a shame, two is a law firm,
    and three or more is a congress.
    -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper
    you are uninformed, if you do
    read the newspaper you are
    misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
    suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But then I repeat
    myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
    tax itself into prosperity is like a
    man standing in a bucket and
    trying to lift himself up by the
    handle. --Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to
    pay Paul can always depend on
    the support of Paul. -- George
    Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
    great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off
    with your money. -- G. Gordon
    Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something
    more than two wolves and a sheep
    voting on what to have for
    dinner. --James Bovard , Civil
    Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
    transfer of money from poor
    people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries.
    -- Douglas Case ,
    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to
    government is like giving whiskey
    and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction,
      through which everybody
      endeavors to live at the expense
      of everybody else. -- Frederic
      Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the
      economy could be summed up
      in a few short phrases: If it
      moves, tax it.  If it keeps
      moving, regulate it. And if it
      stops moving, subsidize it.
      --Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
      the government and report the
      facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is
      expensive now, wait until you
      see what it costs when it's free!
      -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government
      consists of taking as much
      money as possible from one
      party of the citizens to give to
      the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an
      interest in politics doesn't mean
      politics won't take an interest
      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or
      property is safe while the
      legislature is in session.
      -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when
      Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's
      alimentary canal, with a happy
      appetite at one end and no
      responsibility at the other.
      -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
      the unequal sharing of the
      blessings. The inherent blessing
      of socialism is the equal sharing
      of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a
      tax man and a taxidermist is that
              the taxidermist leaves the skin.
                -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding
      men from the effects of folly is
      to fill the world with fools.
      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native
      American criminal class, save
      Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are
      more unemployed politicians
      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give
      you everything you want, is
      strong enough to take everything
      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and
      appoint the great ones to public
     office. -- Aesop
 
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
    prosperity, by legislating the
    wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without
    working for, another person must
    work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to
    anybody anything that the
    government does not first take
    from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
    dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the
    idea that they do not have to
    work, because the other half is
    going to take care of them, and
    when the other half gets the idea
    that it does no good to work
    because somebody else is going to
    get what they work for, that is the
    beginning of the end of any nation!
 
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yoda_jackson

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #143 on: April 24, 2014, 04:07:20 PM »
+1 ;D

Guaire

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #144 on: April 28, 2014, 02:21:38 AM »
Outstanding.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #145 on: May 12, 2014, 11:49:42 PM »
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

heloego

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #146 on: May 17, 2014, 12:37:29 AM »
OUCH!  :o
Rather than have a homeless person for the holidays, I decided to stick with ham.

mattsz

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #147 on: June 12, 2014, 04:54:29 PM »
"Arlo & Janis" is my mostest favoritist cartoon - I found one, from waaaay back in 1994, that certainly applies to many of us here!

I tried to get Jimmy Johnson's permission to post it here, but never heard from him.  I'm going to do it anyway, knowing that it was originally printed in a public newspaper and I got it from a public archive.

The setup to this one is: family goes to beach; Son meets up with last year's crush, who has "matured" and now has an older boyfriend; Dad tries to cheer up son by renting jetskis...



I guess it's not really a joke at all, is it?  ;D

Check out "Arlo & Janis" at Gocomics (http://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis), and check out Jimmy Johnson's site, where he posts old comics and comments (http://arloandjanis.com/)

High On Octane

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #148 on: June 16, 2014, 10:20:46 PM »
True story today......

Wife - "Do you think they have liquor stores in Heaven?"
Me - "Of course.  They're called Jesus Wine and Spirits."    ;D
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gizzo

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #149 on: June 23, 2014, 05:27:11 AM »
A woman visits the cosmetic surgeon to talk about a breast enlargement. After going through all the details, she is advised of the cost of the procedure.
"oh dear, that's more expensive than I imagined. I don't think I can afford that"
She says.
The doctor replies "well you could try another method. Try wiping them each day with toilet paper"
She asked in surprise "how does that work"
"No-one knows," replied the doctor, "but it worked on your arse".
simon from south Australia
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